Occasionally, conversations with friends really point out to me the things that are missing in my life. Sometimes due to my own fault, sometimes due to things out of my control.
This in turn brings me to thinking about what changes need to be made, what changes can conceivably be made, and what the outcomes might be.
Case in point, the question is .. "What are you going to be when you grow up?"
The obvious answer, of course, is that I *am* grown up. But the real question lies underneath... What will you do, who will you be, when the children are grown and gone, when you no longer 'have' to work (retired), when your days and your nights are your own.. what will you do? What drives YOU, the person? Not you, the parent, not you, the husband, wife, partner, friend, employee, chauffeur, referee,chef, personal shopper, budget planner, etc... but you, yourself. What is your greatest passion? Is it something you pursue now? Is it something you plan to pursue down the road? What things interest you? What do you love? What things can you not do without?
All of these questions have brought me to a real crisis of self... I don't know what defines me. I went from being literally "Mrs." to being "my kids' mom" and there I stay. I don't like to think of it as stagnant, really... but in being 'my kids' mom' I am often forced to do for them rather than taking time for myself. I had to drop out of school, (I really want to have a degree someday but it's getting pretty late in my life to actually enjoy a career in what I want to do) I have a job that pays the bills (sort of) but is not what I want to do, and it doesn't provide for any benefits or future security. I have no time to pursue any great passion, not to mention the fact that I don't even know what that would be...
So.. What changes have to be made to bring the security and satisfaction that my life is lacking? Will I be able to make those changes when I figure out (if I figure out) what they are? Will I have time to pursue a dream, ever?
Who do I want to be when I grow up??
